I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
