I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
