I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
