Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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