no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
