She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
