I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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