I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
