"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
