All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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