Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
