the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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