Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
