i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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