You made me cry and you don't even care
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
