so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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