we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
