you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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