if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
