You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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