i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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