I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
