I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
