I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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