Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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