...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
