my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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