I think I died a long time ago.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
