to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
