if i can run in heels then i can drive
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
