I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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