he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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