1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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