I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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