College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
