What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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