There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
