my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So squirting runs in the family.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
