that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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