you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
