I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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