I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
