So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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