you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
