It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Randomize
