so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
