He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
