She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
