smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
