You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
