lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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