The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
