I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
