the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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