had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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