maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
