rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
