i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize