piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
